Inside My Mind

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last entry ever
ok, here is my last entry ever. i am doing everyone i know a favor. just stay away from me from now on because i must be some kind of curse or something. i can find no happiness and i accept this completely. whatever. i will just finish out high school alone. it's just a semester right? i cannot take being stepped on anymore or hurting others. i am so sorry for ever hurting anybody and i expect no apologies from anyone else right now or ever. i hate high school and i hate the way things have heppened in life. i am making things easier for everyone because apparently i have way too much baggage and i bring it into any relationship i have with another human being. if you know me, expect many thigs to be different in my life from now on. i am going at it alone now and reprioritizing evrything. if this entry offends you in any way, i am sorry and you can call me or something to talk. i don't care, not anymore. my life has been to complicated from the beginning and you know, i just fucking hate this! i hate how things have been in my life and i am trying to do something about it and this is the best thing i can do. so i am so sorry to everybody in the world i have ever hurt directly, indirectly, however, i don't care. just take my apology for what it is worth to you and i guess i will see you people around but i am leaving it all alone. don't expect much from me anymore. welcome to the world where jason in a clam and isn't gonna say much anymore. my heart has been destroyed oh too many times and it is done with. i am sick of it, i am sick of hurt.

Happy New Year To You All
The new year is finally upon us all. Thank you to all that is holy and sacred in this world. With the new year comes hope for a fresh start and a better year than the last. So my New Year's was good. I went to my friend Andrew's house and this is all I thought was going to be my New Year because my mom had broken down before I left and asked if I could stay with her at New Year's instead of going out with all my friends. I didn't mind this terribly because I didn't want to leave my mom alone at this vulnerable moment. So I went to Andrew's and I saw FFX which was oh so pretty. Then we watched the greatest mocumentary ever, Drop Dead Gorgeous, which was oh so funny. Andrew, thank you for ending my year on such a funny note. So then came time to leave and I did after saying bye to all of my dear friends there. On the way home, my mother stopped the car on Foothill and said to me that it would make her happier to know I was happy. She told me I could go hang out with my friends and she asked that I just call her and so I went to Kira's house where my other friends were and I figured Andrew and them would show up eventually, which they did. So at Kira's house I had a good time. I talked, I got make-up put on me, and talked more. We watched the ball drop and by then Martin, Andrew, and Chris had shown which made me happy to have them there. Afterthat people celebrated a little and people started to filter out. After a while I was left only with Diana and we talked about why I was depressed and it felt good. It was there that I realized I had friends that cared about me a lot. Andrew, you have put up with a lot of my shit and I thank you for that and I have put up with yours too. Our friendship is one I value greatly and I appreciate all you have done for me. Martin, you have been there for me since fourth grade. You never question me and think I am stupid, well, mostly. But you are a true and dear friend. Chris, I have gotten to know you better and you are just a great person. Your humor and wit always make me laugh no matter how twisted...the same applies to you too, Andrew. Nathan, I have not seen you in a long while and things have changed a bit I think. But you will always be my little brother and I will be there for you as I know you are for me. Hans, I know I have not hung out with you in such a long while. I feel distance growing between you and evrybody and I hate that. I don't know what to do but I will always think of you as a dear friend no matter what. Kira, I have gotten to know you so much. youare truly a great person and I think you are just amazing. You listen to me babble about things and I enjoy your company fully. Amanda, you injure Martin and me like no other. J/K. Seriously though, you have been a great friend and continue to be. I am happy for you with recent developments and I hope our friendship grows. Stephanie, you are the sweetest person I have ever known. You care about me and everyone else with so much passion that you deserve a medal or something. If I didn't mention your name, it is not that you aren't my friend and that I don't think the world of you because that is just entirely false; I am just tired. I care so deeply about all my friends and I cherrish you all. I love you all deeply and thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about me. I hope that nothing but the best happens for everyone this year and that bonds strengthen and heal between people. May this year shine new life upon all of us, our families, and the world. I love you all so much, once again, and Hppy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!!!!
First and foremost, Happy New Year's everybody! Though it is only New Year's Eve, this is my favorite time of the year because as I have said before, I feel like I get a new chance, a fresh start, a spiritual reawakening if you will. Anyway, so that's that. My weekend was decent I supose besides the fact that my depression is becoming worse and worse as the days go by. But oh well, I am dealing. So, now there is somewhat of a caonflict with what todo for New Year's Eve. There is a possibility that one o my friend's is going to do something at her house because her house is always the [artay house. But, there is my friend who had said his house was open to a partay today, but he hasn't notified anyone of it that I know of, but perhaps he has. All I know is that his house is open fr a partay and I said I would go but I have received no further info. So I am waiting to see if the girl's house opens up and then I will figure out what to do from there. I already know what I want to do, but that all depends on other stuff out of my control so I won't stress about it. Ok, bye everybody and I am sure I will see some of you later on in the day.

Time to Type
Hello, everybody. Well I am here at my home while all my friends are either at the debutantes thing...woo-hoo, go Kira!...or they are unreachable...Martin I tried calling you for like an hour and I could not get through. Anyway, so my day was pretty boring and I felt really bad today. I went to do my laundry in the morning. After that I went out and exchanged some X-mas gifts and got four new CD's. I thoroughly enjoy them all. When i got home I organized all my CD's and then I went online and Jack said we should hang and that we would call Martin. I was fine with this but once I got to Jack's house he said we were going to go get food with his other college friends. This was ok but I had no idea what was going on and I felt really out of place. We got back to Jack's house and never called Martin so I asked Jack to take me home and this is when I could not get through to Martin. I sat down with my Mom and the bebe after this and my Mom confronted as to what was worng with me. I told her I felt depressed and she asked if I needed to get help and I told her not yet and that I was going to try and feel better by myself. I don't trust shrinks. So anyway, my day was pretty crappy and I really want to do something on New Year's Eve. I have something to go to but I don't know if anyone else is going to be going to it. I hope so cause I want to do stuff but I guess I will just have to wait and see. But yeah, I am still feeling really bad and I am getting sick of feeling like this. It is not a good thing. I just can't stop thinking about things and wondering how things will all turn out. I really just want to feel not even happy, just content. But that probably won't happen anytime son since the baby leaves tomorrow and I have to help him move. Then I have to write an essay for my application for my free ride to Cal Poly and study for my LAMDA exams in late January and prepare for the play rehearsals and the tap workshops and the CSz game and finals. Blah. And that is only the tip of my depression/stress iceberg folks. Woo-freaking-hoo. Well I shall type more later, for now, bye.

Update on Life
Today was a long and boring day. I was under house arrest kinda because my mom asked me if I wouldn't mind staying home for the day because I have been going out a lot lately, she just kinda wanted to show she still had some power. I didn't mind too much since I spent most of my day with my nephew. It was nice since tomorrow is his last day here and then he moves away. I have been sheding some tears over this lately. I really enjoy having the little guy around, he brings me joy and now he is going away. :( He fell asleep in my arms today and i started to cry because I really don't want him to leave. I put him in his bed and walked away and just kinda wept about the stupid things in my life that I do not like. There are actually many things that have been bugging me and making me feel like shit. My mom noticed it tonight at dinner and I really didn't want to worry her with the details so I just told her that things are ok. I don't want her worrying about me. So today i pretty much got to sulk about the house and do things I needed to do. It was an okay today except for the fact that I am having a harder time dealing with my depression. It doesn't seem to be going away. Perhaps I should just simplify my life and stop worrying about s many things. Oh wait, nevermind, I can't do that, i am always worried or preoccupied with at leastten things. Stupid me. Oh and I kinda had this weird empty feeling all day, including now, since last night actually. I don't like it much. A lot of it stems from the fact that I don't like some of the stuff happening amongst my friends. I don't like drama and I am still debating what to do about this and many other things concerning friend-related stuff. Stupid stupid brain never ceasing to think about things. I am going to stop this entry before my brain goes into the inner-recesses of my mind and I realize more things that are causing me to be slightly unhappy. Byebye.

Ahh Today
So all in all, today was a good day. I went out with my friend Jack today which is always a good and fun time. Then the night hours approached. It was great, lets just put it that way. There are things that I could go in detail about, but I can't. All I can say is, "Aaaaahhh yeah!". You know what I am talking about you that were there. There were a few draw backs, Martin I am truly sorry that happened and I hope you are ok. You know I love you. And I love everybody that was there and all my friends. You make life great and wonderful. Bye everyone.

Here Is the Old Stuff from the Other Site
Still Thinking and Need to Get It Out So, i am still thinking and reflecting on the world around me and in me. I think that the world is an interesting place and I have experienced so little of it, but I feel like I have also experienced so much of it. I have been fortunate enough to experience love and friendship. I have also experienced hatred toward me from others, toward others from me or others, and toward myself. IN my life, I have been hurt more times than I can count and all of these instances have had a huge impact on my life. I look at my nephew sometimes and I think about how fortunate he is that his life is so simple. He only has to worry about his needs, he has yet to figure out that in the real world, putting yourself first is importan, but you have to take into consideration all those around you. I don't know, maybe that is just me. I always consider the feelings of others, I am an extreme pacifist, and cannot stand confrontation. If it can be avaoided, I'll do it, even at the expense of myself. A friend of mine told me recently that I should always look out for me and not get so wrapped up in thigs that I forget myself. Oh how true it is. But for me, that is difficult. I love to help others and I rarely stop to help myself. Perhaps it is all connected to the fact that I have been hurt so many times, that I have built up a wall to myself and others when it cmes to help for me, but because I don't want others to experience pain or suffering of any kind, my dorrs are wide open to help. This is a problem because the very person I am at the core, my helpful and selfless self, is one of the main reasons I have been hurt so often. I get taken advantage of by people. I hate it and even now, thinking about it, makes me want to cry. I know where that comes from, that comes from my dad. My dad was the single most devastating event in my life. He left me after he had made me believe that he was going to be there for me, even after my parents were divorced, whenever I needed him. He was never a good father to me, considering he was abusive, mainly emotionally/mentally, but he was and is my father nonetheless. He took advantage of me by making me think I could trust him and then he left me at a time where I would need him most, my teenage years. It has been hard to not have a father growing up. I had to figure out a lot of things all by myself that I really shouldn't have figured out on my own. I was used and I am so angry for what he did to the family and me. I cry every time I think about this, aka now. Sometimes,I just wish the pain would go away and I could have a life that wasn't so complicated and that wasn't so riddled with emotional/mental scaring and pain. My life is better than that of other people's in many ways, I know that and am so thankful for it. However, I think I had to grow up a lot faster than a lot of people my age and I was forced out of my innocence, cheated even. I think that is why I sometimes feel that I can't relate to other people because I feel I am on a different level than they are, I understand, actually I mean interpret, things differently. I am not trying to sound like I am better than everyone else, by no means do I mean that. Trust me, I would love to be able to relate because I hate that feeling. It is something that holds me back and causes me to rely solely on mysef at times when I could really use a friend but because I am afraid to open up to people because I fear they won't understand me or think I am worried, I hold back. I wish to gain no pity from anyone for this, but I hope that people that do read this understand me better and why I operate the way I do. It is all because I am afraid of being hurt; it has happened way too many times and I deal with too many things at a time on my own because of it. I'm sorry to all of my friends for that. I love you all so dearly and I thank you all for being there for me because I know you are. Just bear with me in my times of sadness, especially this one. this is the worst bout of sadness I have ever had because for some reason or another, everything that has ever hurt me before has decided to surface now and it is tearing me apart inside. I am working hard to patch it up though. I am doing okay, I think; I haven't lost touch with reality and I know I still want and can handle things that I have discussed beforehand. I just want to enjoy these last few times I may get with my friends and I want to enjoy the rest of high school. I want to be happy for the remainder of high school. I think that will be my New Year's Resolution. Yup, that's it. I am going to try and be happy and go after what I want once I figure out what "it" is. I needed to get that off my chest and let all my friends know this stuff. I feel better now. I love you all. Byebye. No Sleep Well, I tried sleeping, but I can't. Stupid insomnia and brain going a mile-a-minute thinking about all the things that I don't really want think about because I would really like to start trying to just let what happen, happen and in the words of Paul McCartney, "Let it be, let it be." I would really like it if my life would just be much less complicated and things would just fall into place. Actually, just let time skip forward to college, that would be good. But of course, this cannot happen and I stuck with the fact that I am going to have to deal with all of this stuff and either do something about what I am thinking in my head about situations, or just leave the situations alone. Anyway, I am listening to Frank Sinatra rightnow because I love his music. GO lounge! It makes me happy and make me think of the happy aspects of relationships, and it makes me think of gambling too, but that is understandable to me. See what happens when I can't sleep, I get really weird and my brain drifts off to nowhere and then I start to feel really depressed and alone. Okay, that is enough random babbling. Bye everybody and thanks to those who care enough to read this stuff seriously and care about me. Christmas Time So it was Christrmas today and it was just my mom and me. It was nice actually, a little sad because there was no other family, but my mom and I had a humble little Christmas. I got some good stuff that I needed and I was happy about that. I seriously cannot wait for the New Year because I need it. I am a firm believer in the getting a fresh start thing, and I really need that feeling like things are new and I can move on from the crap of this year. Hopefully, things will go better for me in the next year and maybe, just maybe, I could find that person to hold and take in my arms. If you really want to know how I feel about relationships and what I would like to feel again, listen to track 11 on the Make Yourself album by Incubus, I think it is called I Miss You. Anyway, maybe I will ask the girl I was talking about in the previous entry or maybe something will happen and I'll find someone to share my time and thoughts with. Oh well, Merry Christmas everyone and here is to a good New Year! WOO-FREAKING-HOO! Update on My Poopy Feelings I am back and still feeling crappy. Despite the fact that winter break has commenced and I am getting much needed/deserved rest, I also incur the pain of getting time to think about things in life. I have decided that my life is not the worst in the world and some of the things that I am currently in pain about may not be as substantial as other problems faced by others in the world, but to me, I am what is important and these problems are eating me alive. So, my sister is gone for Christemas and she took the baby with her and my mom and I went out to lunch today and we talked about the situation. My sister is so stupid and she has no idea the pain she causes me and especially my mom. My mom and I have such a close bond because we are all the other one has and we have always been there for each other. I love my mother dearly and would do anything for her and would just like to see her happy for once in a long time, I mean truly happy. My mother relies on my strength, as I do hers, in times of need. I sometimes just want to scream and break something because of the shit my sister puts my mom through. Being that they aren't here and I have no idea what is happening on New Year's, I don't know what I can do on New Year's. I would like to do stuff with my friends because right now, I really need them because almost all f them have been quite responsive and helpful to my current situation. But I don't want to leave my momma alone...I would feel really bad and couldn't fully enjoy myself. Anyway, my feelings toward my sister are growing more and more in terms of anger and I just wish she would get her head out of her ass and do what is best for her son and stop putting him in situations that are potentially dangerous to him and his parents. Then, there is my relationship situation. Oh wait, I don't have one. Well I could have had one but the girl that said she was ready to commit to me backed out the next day and now is going after some other guy. That is very ppainful for me because I thought for that brief period of time that I may get what I wanted conssidering she promised me. But, once again, people don't seem to understand that a promise is a very sacred thing and so is somebody's heart! Stop messing with mine, please! Then there is this other girl that I am pretty interested in, but I just don't know what to do about it. I am afraid f rejection, extremely afraid. She is a really good friend and seems to understand me very well. I think she is great and cute and funny buut I just don't know if I should act on it. I am so hesitant because I don't want to get hurt. I fear the pain of rejection and what that might do to me. Damm, isn't this an uplifting entry to be writing before Christmas. Ha!(Sarcastic) To al of my friends, I am sorry I have not gotten you anything, I love you all dearly and wish I could give you the world because you deserve it. Best wishes to you all in this holiday season and I am praying for a better year in 2002. Hapy Holidays everyone and peace be with us all. just in my head... will you take my hand, and know who i am, or just lead me around, and drop me where you will. this ride is old, it seems, you are there, then you are gone. am i alone, with just my thoughts, and my grief, and my life? will this end soon, if i let go of your hand, will fall, or maybe i will finally play. Life goes on being poopy... Hi there. So, yesterday was a continuation of my slow self-destruction. I am convinced that God or somebody is trying to take away all that I love/care about. So, in Men's Choir I found out that I didn't get the solo I wanted. Slightly depressing. In English, I was once again used eventhough my entire group was there, I did about 99% of the work. SSR-nothing happened. Drama was ok, I got to teach people some stuff I learned and they seemed to enjoy it. Then there was AP Gov. It sucked because we had a stupid waste of time quiz and then the rest of the period was boring and my two favorite people in the class, Andrew and Erin left for Chamber Singers stuff along with all my other friends. TA royally sucked because all the stupid kids decided not to listen to me and make my life a living hell. They were driving me over the edge; I almost slapped one of them. Then there was lunch which depressed me because nobody was there since the majority of my friends are all in chamber singers. Then PE sucked cause I did over 160 abdominal excercises thingies that made my stomach hurt real bad. Then AMT we had a dumb test that seemed to insult my intelligence. Then after school my mom picked me up and informed me that my sister will be leaving sooner than expected which means no more baby Christian. I have been fighting away the tears of sadness since I found that out. Then I found out that my dog had cancer and she will die soon, probably. The evening was good though because I got to hang out with all my friends. But, my depression came up and I almost broke down and cried. Some other stuff happened too which I am happy about but I am presently confused about a little. I know it is just me trying to understand why this happened, but yeah, I think I am waiting for something bad to happen with it and I really don't want that to happen and I am pretty sure it won't, but that is how my present state is affecting me. So today I was really busy with my laundry and shopping and working on my term paper. I finished it. WOO! But now I still have some stuff to do for AP. BOOOOOO!!! But yeah. That is my crappy day/life except for a few things that make me happy. So, yeah. Bye ya'll. I hate today! Ok, so today just royally sucked for me and I need to fuckin' vent! FUUUUUCKK!!!!! Thank you. Ok, so let me tell you about my day where tap dancing pushed me over the edge and I now feel like shit. So, my AP Gov. teacher has this little visual image about the fact that a person has this imaginary sign that say, "I am special" or, "People like me" or something like that. Anyway, she explains hopw throughout the course of a day it gets torn away a little at a time. Well, I now know what this feels like, especially when it is completely ripped to shreds and shat upon by some large smelly beast. So first off, I had men's choir this morning. I love this class and was happy we had it today because we needed it, but I am used to getting a little extra sleep on Thursdays, but not today. So I was a little extra tired. But oh well. So then men's choir is over and it seems like I may not get the solo which I was kinda hoping for, but I can handle that. On to my english class where I ended up doing an entire group project almost completely by myself except for a few occasional blurbs from the Australian. SO i came out of english feeling a bit used, but whatever, right? Ok so on to AP Gov. It was so FREAKING boring! I was already tired and my teacher was talking away and I really wanted to sleep but couldn't cause we have a quiz tomorrow and a test in a week and I need to know all this poopy-crap. Now there was SSR. You have to know something before I go into SSR. I HATE MY SENUIOR CLASS ASB AND ASB IN GENERAL! They are dumb, dumb, dumb. Ok, so we were going to vote for our senior song. However, I really couldn't vote and was forced to pick the lesser of the evils because the songs BLEW!!! Oh my dear lord I cannot believe that the seniors in ASB couldn't come up with some better songs. Then there was lunch which was okay except for the fact that there was a band playing that completely ruined a few of my all time favorite songs. BASTARDS! But, luckily, I was with my friends and I got to talk to them and it was okay. Then PE where I was swimming...oh wait, I CAN"T SWIM!! Super fun, i got to turn into a prune and freeze my butt off in a pool full of urine. Then came the tap dancing lessons that I just wasn't understanding becasue the stupid instructor lady was talking to us like we were all experienced tappers. ARGHHHHH!!!!! I hated it and then I freaked out and all the stress I have been under lately just boiled over like I was a freaking pot or something and I just lost it and had to come home. I was on the verge of tears people! I still kind of am because all of my stresses are surfacing. Oh well, I am now listening to the calming sounds of Pete Yorn. Sweet bliss. Well, that is my day. ADIOS. I am back Hey, there party people. So, just in case you haven't noticed, I haven't written in a while and I know I promised a continuation on things, aka friends. So here we go. And just really quick, sorry about the delay but I have been very busy and a little stressed lately so cut a guy some slack. Alrighty, on to my friends. I think I will start with Martin. He is a great guy that I have been friends for the longest time out of all of my friends; since fourth grade, that's 8 years people! For a while, Martin didn't hangout with me, but I never held it against him because I always knew I could count on him. Martin is a very dear friend of mine, if not my very best, one of them. He is also like a brother to me and he and I get along well. He is exceedingly funny and can always make me laugh which is nice. Then, there is Andrew. Andrew is someone who I don't think I could live without because that boy teaches me something new or just makes my life that much more interesting everyday. He and I had a falling out period recently, but I don't think we ever fully resolved it all, but we respect and appreciate each other, or at least that's how I feel about him. His views on the world are different than mine, but I find them quite entertaining, I also find him entertaining. He is a great guy. Nathan. Nathan, Nathan, Nathan. The young one of my group and like my little brother. I watch over him and he does the same for me. This summer we became very close and I value his friendship greatly. He is a very funny person and can be a choking spaz, but that is why I love him. He is a truly lovely friend. Now there is Hans. Hans was gone for a year in Germany and came beack this year. He is trying to catch up or something on what he missed instead of enjoying the present and he came back slightly different than I remembered him. He is still one of my three best friends, the other two make up the rest of the trio, and he is truly a very sensitive and interesting person. I love all of the guys above with all my heart and would do anything for them if it was within my abilities. Matt is a great guy. He is very much his own person and a very compassionate human being. I respect him greatly, as he does me, and we get along quite nicely. I love his humor and him; he is great to have as a friend. Chris is the australian and shares many of his views with Andrew. I don't really know him that well but he is a very nice person and quite entertaining. On to the females. Woo-hoo! So first off, there is Erin. Erin is great. Of my female friends, she is the best one I have. She accepts me for me and she and I have this constant flirting thing going on, which is nice and fun. She is fun to talk to and be with, so I spend a good deal of time with her if I can. I love her. Then there is Amanda. Amanda I have known for a while now but never really got to know her until recently. She is great and has become a good friend of mine. We kind of have similar situations in our lives and relate to each other and Amanda seems to find me very amusing which is nice. She is oh so cute and a great friend. Laci is a great person all around. She is pretty, smart, and a very caring person. I love her to death. She is always so nice to me and everyone else. She is one of those people that you just want to know and hug and I have that privilege. Kira is another one of my newer friends of the people I have know for a while. She is a very interesting person and so nice. It just took her some time to open up to me. I think she was afraid of me or thought I hated her for a while, but I never did, personally I always found Kira quite interesting. Stephanie is a sweet person. She was my homecoming date and another of the new friends from the group I knew for a while. She is so sweet and caring and cute. I love her because of her outlook on life. She always seems to have a smile on her face. It is refreshing. So there you are. Those be my friends. If I left you out, please don't feel bad or think that I hate you, cause I don't hate you, I really don't hate anybody, except maybe my dad, but that is a whole other story that could take volumes. Perhaps I shall explain it all one day. Well, I will be leving now and I will try to update this doo-hickey every weekor so, at least. So, bear with me. Thank you peoples and I hope ya'll have a lovely day and peace and love and all that rot. I am back Hey, there party people. So, just in case you haven't noticed, I haven't written in a while and I know I promised a continuation on things, aka friends. So here we go. And just really quick, sorry about the delay but I have been very busy and a little stressed lately so cut a guy some slack. Alrighty, on to my friends. I think I will start with Martin. He is a great guy that I have been friends for the longest time out of all of my friends; since fourth grade, that's 8 years people! For a while, Martin didn't hangout with me, but I never held it against him because I always knew I could count on him. Martin is a very dear friend of mine, if not my very best, one of them. He is also like a brother to me and he and I get along well. He is exceedingly funny and can always make me laugh which is nice. Then, there is Andrew. Andrew is someone who I don't think I could live without because that boy teaches me something new or just makes my life that much more interesting everyday. He and I had a falling out period recently, but I don't think we ever fully resolved it all, but we respect and appreciate each other, or at least that's how I feel about him. His views on the world are different than mine, but I find them quite entertaining, I also find him entertaining. He is a great guy. Nathan. Nathan, Nathan, Nathan. The young one of my group and like my little brother. I watch over him and he does the same for me. This summer we became very close and I value his friendship greatly. He is a very funny person and can be a choking spaz, but that is why I love him. He is a truly lovely friend. Now there is Hans. Hans was gone for a year in Germany and came beack this year. He is trying to catch up or something on what he missed instead of enjoying the present and he came back slightly different than I remembered him. He is still one of my three best friends, the other two make up the rest of the trio, and he is truly a very sensitive and interesting person. I love all of the guys above with all my heart and would do anything for them if it was within my abilities. Matt is a great guy. He is very much his own person and a very compassionate human being. I respect him greatly, as he does me, and we get along quite nicely. I love his humor and him; he is great to have as a friend. Chris is the australian and shares many of his views with Andrew. I don't really know him that well but he is a very nice person and quite entertaining. On to the females. Woo-hoo! So first off, there is Erin. Erin is great. Of my female friends, she is the best one I have. She accepts me for me and she and I have this constant flirting thing going on, which is nice and fun. She is fun to talk to and be with, so I spend a good deal of time with her if I can. I love her. Then there is Amanda. Amanda I have known for a while now but never really got to know her until recently. She is great and has become a good friend of mine. We kind of have similar situations in our lives and relate to each other and Amanda seems to find me very amusing which is nice. She is oh so cute and a great friend. Laci is a great person all around. She is pretty, smart, and a very caring person. I love her to death. She is always so nice to me and everyone else. She is one of those people that you just want to know and hug and I have that privilege. Kira is another one of my newer friends of the people I have know for a while. She is a very interesting person and so nice. It just took her some time to open up to me. I think she was afraid of me or thought I hated her for a while, but I never did, personally I always found Kira quite interesting. Stephanie is a sweet person. She was my homecoming date and another of the new friends from the group I knew for a while. She is so sweet and caring and cute. I love her because of her outlook on life. She always seems to have a smile on her face. It is refreshing. So there you are. Those be my friends. If I left you out, please don't feel bad or think that I hate you, cause I don't hate you, I really don't hate anybody, except maybe my dad, but that is a whole other story that could take volumes. Perhaps I shall explain it all one day. Well, I will be leving now and I will try to update this doo-hickey every weekor so, at least. So, bear with me. Thank you peoples and I hope ya'll have a lovely day and peace and love and all that rot. Hi, my people Well, okay, first came Andrew, then I thought I would try it. Call me a copycat if you want, but I felt this might be therapeutic and just fun for those who see this. It might be enjoyable for my close friends but I don't know how you others may find it. Okay so I am Jason. I go to La Canada High School which is this school that has a whole lotta social groups that remind me of the midieval hierarchy system. It pretty much goes from the super popular people who don't associate with the lowly peasants. There are those in between and stuff, but I don't like to identify myself with any of that poopy stuff. I'd like to think that I can go talk to people I want to talk to no matter who they associate with, eventhough that isn't true, but oh well. I have my circle of friends that I guess might fall into the paegan category of the hierarchy system. We don't really like the social system, eventhough I am the most light-hearted on that subject, except maybe for Hans (We'll get to him later). Ummm...let's see. I live in a house with the maternal side of my family, which is nice. I also have a bebe in my house, my nephew who is oh so cute and whom all my female friends end up spending the majority of their time with when they come see me. Well, not really, but yeah. Ok, onto other stuff about me/friends. So...me. I have a long history that his helped shape who I am, but I don't know if I really want to get into that now. I'm sure it will come out eventually for those who don't fully know my story. Anyway, lets get to more recent history. So I had this long term girlfriend, Anna. we lated for a year and a half and it was a really good time. I learned a lot about myself with another person but things awry with the relationship and I ended it. It was a difficult and messy procees to get over and I don't think it is fully gotten over. But afterwe broke up I was devastated and I felt I had to find myself. I continue to search for myself as a human being but obstacles keep being thrown my way like pressures from friends to stop searching and go back to how I was. I just don't think I can do that though. I came out of the relationship unhappy with who I was and I needed a change. That change hasn't come easy or without consequence/sacrifice. I am still going through the process of change, but I feel I am approaching the end. I am very involved with Drama. Drama is my life, seriously. I honestly don't know what I would do without theater and acting/directing/writing. I have this magnificent teacher/director/friend in Mrs. Glae Caswell. She is always there for me like a mom and she has opened up a lot of the world for me and she lit the fuse that caused me to be the actor I am today. Some people tell me I am really good, but I don't like to blow my own horn so go talk to my frineds or come see a performance I am involved with and tell me what you think. I am going to be Asst. Director for the next play, The Rise and Rise of Daniel Rocket, arguably one of my favorite plays. I am so happy about that because I have so many ideas but I will miss being onstage, it is like a sanctuary for me. Oh well. I like to make people laugh hence why I am 3-year captain of the CSz team at my school and why people laugh at things I say, especially Amanda (She will be explained later, too). Making people laugh, think, or generally get a reaction out of people is one of those things I value. I like making people think and question stuff because I enjoy those two things greatly. I am also in Men's choir with my tight circle of male friends (All will be explained later). It is intimidating for me because I am a "virgin" choir singer and all of my friends have simply amazing voices/musical talent. Now, before I explain my friends, I will inform you all of the thing that has been on my mind lately. Females. I am in a huge funk right now because after finally getting over Anna completely, I am ready to have another relationship. I know some of my friends think this is dumb because I am a senior and we will all be going our separate ways and some thin that I am in it just for play. Well, I am not just in it for play. That is seriuosly the last thing on my mind when it comes to a relationship. No doubt it is an added bonuse I welcome, I honestly don't care, I just enjoy jokingabout it because I am very secure with my sexuality and my mojo. Haha, I said mojo. Anyway, females are confusing and all I want is someone to hold and fall asleep with and just be a boyfriend to. But, for some reason, I guess it just isn't meant to be. There are females in my life, who will more than likely be described when I get to friends, who I am interested in but for one reason or another, it just won't work at this point, I guess. There is one in particular, who when she reads this will know is her, that I am interested in. We have talked about this extensively and are both confused by what outside parties tell us and what we feel. I just wish that it would happen, it would make me happy and when she reads this, that comment won't help so I am sorry for further confusing the process but I am venting. So yeah, that is my current situation in a really small nutshell that none of that should fit into singularly, but oh well. My hands are tired from typing so you will all have to come back to learn about my friends in my next entry. I'm sure I will have more tales to tell. Just be patient, I tend to get busy quickly, so updates may not be every day and stuff. Bye, all you people who are reading this. Tell me how you like too. Luv ya'll. bye!

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hi, I am testing my new site cuz i screwed up my other one.

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